Stay-At-Home Dads: The Road Less Traveled

If you've been to Town Lake or visited a local park lately, you've probably seen them: pushing joggers or spotting kids on playscapes, they look a lot like dads spending a couple of hours kicking back with the kids.

But actually, they're with them all day.

Better known as stay-at-home-dads, or SAHDs, these men are becoming a more familiar site around Austin and throughout the country. They have put their careers on the backburner to be the primary caregivers for their children. And few regret the decision to do so.

In its April 2004 Employment Characteristics of Families Summary, The Bureau of Labor Statistics noted that, not only were more mothers of young children leaving the workforce, but more fathers were staying at home as well. Indeed, the percentage of families in which only the husband worked rose to 30.5%, while the percentage of families in which only the wife worked rose to 5.5%. Both percentages are the highest ever since the Department of Labor began measuring such trends a decade ago.

The exact number of SAHDs in the United States is difficult to pinpoint, because many SAHDs work part-time and are therefore categorized as "employed" in labor reports. However, Slowlane.com, a website devoted to SAHDs, lists SAHD organizations in more 25 U.S. cities, including Austin, as well as organizations in the United Kingdom and Japan.

The rising cost of daycare, the expenditure in time and money involved in maintaining dual-income households, and the loss of time-off to care for a sick child have all contributed to making staying at home more appealing. For many of the fathers and their families, however, the reasons for staying at home with their children are more complex than just economic necessity.

"My wife and I simply didn't want to put our son Trevor in daycare at such a young age," says Andy Sumlin, an Austin stay-at-home father of one son, Trevor. "We had the daycare picked out...but I just couldn't leave my son with a stranger for eight to 10 hours per day. I wanted to be the one to raise my child."

Local Support for SAHDs
But dads who opt to be the one at home with the kids often find there's little societal support for their decision.

"I had always heard about playgroups from wives of my co-workers, so I decided to contact a few to see if I'd be welcome to join," says Kevin Keller, a mechanical engineer and stay-at-home father to Christopher. "I had four emails unanswered, and two flat-out rejections that the group was for mommies only."

Kellar continued searching, eventually ending up at Slowlane.com, where he posted queries about Austin-based SAHDs groups. Aside from one failed attempt to start a group, nothing existed in the area. So Keller started one: Austin Stay-At-Home Dads. The group grew slowly at first, but after a few listings in local parenting magazines, membership took off. Currently, the group has more than 60 members-and adds at least one each week-including former engineers, building contractors, actors, chefs, and account executives.

"My philosophy for starting the group was that there has got to be a way to make the SAHD experience better for everyone," explains Kellar.

To do that, the Austin group organizes everything from special outings, to playdates at member's homes, to a monthly Dads' night out. What's better: it gives stay-at-home fathers a peer group in which to share their experiences, learn about child development, and also interact with their children. The latter is especially helpful because most of the men had no childcare experience before becoming fathers.

"Hannah was our first child and we joke about the fact that she was the first baby I had ever held in my entire life," says Tom Sunstrom, father of Hannah and Harper. "I know it sounds weird, but I actually never held a child until I was 33. Kids always kind of scared me."

Other fathers, however, found they actually were better equipped to be at home than the children's mothers.

"While my wife made more money than I did, I was the more 'nurturing' parent," says Chris Scott, an attorney and father of Bohdi.

Eamon Stookesberry, father of Reagan and Adian, echoes that sentiment.

"We tried the stay-at-home mom thing when Adian was born but my wife is just not built that way," Stookesberry says. "She made it four months before she decided to put out her resume."
The Challenges of Being a Dad at Home
For many Austin SAHDs, the decision to be at home with the kids is probably the easiest part of their stay-at-home experience. Not so easy is the day-to-day task of being the sole caregiver for one or more children. It requires a change in mindset-especially for those making the switch from the workplace to the home.

"It's the hardest job I've ever had," says Scott. "The main challenge has been giving up control and realizing that I'm not going to 'get things done,' that instead I'm committing my time, attention, and energy to the needs of another little human."

For Sunstrom the key has been coming to terms with giving up any set schedule.

"I used to be very list oriented on a day-to-day basis," Sunstrom says. "Letting go of the list and going with the flow was difficult and, at times, very frustrating. The SAHD group has helped me a lot with this."

In addition to being sole caregivers, most of the men also have assumed other domestic duties such as cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Left by the wayside, though, is their position-and social status-as "breadwinner." And this loss can be the hardest challenge to face.

"Since I come from an old-school type mentality of 'The man must provide for the family,' I still believe in that philosophy somewhat-only because I feel guilty that my wife has to work so hard; I prefer to carry the load," says Kintaro Inovejas, father of Evelyn and a freelance graphic designer. "But my family did see the benefit of me doing this and supports me one hundred percent."

Societal Expectations and Criticism

Not all extended families, however, are as supportive as Inovejas'. Indeed, some simply can't fathom a father at home with his children.

"My mother in law often asks my wife on the phone, 'So does Andy have a job yet?' says Sumlin. "My wife says to her, 'His job is to raise your grandchild' but you can tell my mother in law doesn't fully buy that. She thinks I'm just loafing all day while her daughter supports us."

Public perception plays out much the same way, which can make life tough for SAHDs. Merely venturing out of the house can be an experience in frustration, and not because of the kids: in addition to preventing a child from melting down in public or making sure a child's clothes stay clean, the SAHD sometimes finds himself under the critical gaze of a public that is not used to seeing a man caring for a child.

The toughest challenges in public are "the looks and thoughts of relatives, family friends, neighbors and strangers you see in the stores," says Sumlin. "Some of them think it's odd that a man would stay at home with a child while a wife would be the sole income provider."

The Austin SAHDs have had to dispel the mistaken notions of onlookers who comment on their "bravery" at taking the children out without their mothers. Most people are encouraging when the men reveal that they are the sole caregivers-but not all.

"The majority of people's faces have just lit up when I tell them that 'this is my job, I am a stay-at-home dad. The pay sucks, but the benefits are great,'" says Stookesbury. "Very few people have shown any kind of disrespect, and usually that was just a look, or expression of disgust."
Increasing Awareness

Given that, the Austin Stay-At-Home Dads Group has become an excellent public relations tool, bridging the gap between public perception and reality.

"As a lone dad at the park, you're probably not going to be approached by a mom and have a conversation about kids," says Kellar. "But as a group, we are approached all the time and regularly interact with the moms."

They also assist the partners of those who have assumed caregiving duties. This is especially important, because mothers whose partners care for the kids full-time often face societal disapproval of and, occasionally, hostility for their parenting decisions.

"Most of my co-workers think it's a great thing [that my husband stays at home]," says Rachel Ogden, whose husband, Wayne, cares for their daughter, Emily. "[But] there are some who think it's really strange that I would allow-yes, some people have used that word-Wayne to stay home while I work."

Many of the partners and wives of SAHDs can find themselves as alienated as the SAHDs themselves. Because they're not at-home mothers, these women don't have the support of mothers' groups; further, they struggle with the financial pressure of being the sole supporters of their families.

"Some of my friends with babies talk about how they have really bonded with other new moms from groups they've joined-I haven't had this experience," says Susan Berlin, whose husband, Jeff, cares for their twin infants, Georgia and Sophie. "The only group I've been involved in...hasn't been a great place for me to make friends because most of the women with time to attend the meetings tend not to have jobs outside the home."

Recently, the Austin SAHDs group added a Moms' Night Out so that the wives of group members can socialize outside the confines of work and home. What the group has discovered is that the mothers' get-togethers are just as important as the fathers' meetings: the women all have something fairly rare in common-a stay-at-home husband or partner-and they need friends with whom to discuss their unique situations.

"I don't know anyone in my close circle of friends or family who has decided to do things this way, so it is great to connect with women in the same role," says Ogden.

For the men, it helps them to understand the difficulties the women face in their non-traditional role.

"My wife struggles daily with this way of life-she doesn't like being away from the kids as much as she is," says Sunstrom. "Part of my job as a stay-at-home dad is to support her in her struggle as well."
Finding Happiness

On a sunny Thursday on Town Lake, Jim Osborne, a new member to the Austin SAHDs group, and his 10-week-old son join the group for its weekly walk. It is the first time baby Lucky has been out since his birth. Still, Jim seems comfortable, freely taking part in conversations with the other fathers, who are eager to share their experiences and advice. They pepper Osborne with questions about Lucky's nap schedules and feedings as well as his own career. More than half of the fathers on the walk are expecting their second child. The support they offer Osborne is welcomed with open arms. The men hope the rest of Austin-and the country-follow suit.

"This is a wonderfully diverse city-I think the public here is far more supportive than many other places," says Sunstrom. "I find being out with the kids I get a huge amount of attention-I say 90 percent is extremely positive but 10 percent of people still look at you like they might have seen you recently on America's Most Wanted."

Those ten percent will be won over-eventually. Given that nearly two million children are being raised by stay-at-home dads, the phenomenon can no longer be ignored or classified as a rarity. And for the guys in the Austin Stay-at-Home Dads Group, they wouldn't have it any other way.

"I love my job," says Sumlin. "I have absolutely no regrets about staying home."
The Austin Stay-at-home Dads Group may be contacted at: http://austin-sahds.tripod.com or sahds@austin.rr.com