Got Milk?

Breast milk is funny. Cow's milk and goat's milk aren't funny; they're just things you drink. Think about it: if you were out of half-n-half, would you add a little breast milk to your coffee? It's a little sweet-like having your cream and sugar all in one. Really, I'm surprised they don't sell it at Whole Foods. Well, maybe they would if more people added it to their coffee. Either way, it's funny

Breastfeeding isn't funny, it is natural and beautiful and you can do it anywhere (assuming you're somewhere other than Texas, in which case you can do it only where you're "otherwise authorized to be", but that's another story). Then there's pumping. That's downright hysterical. What's not hilarious about funnels attached to a woman's breast, which are then attached to plastic pieces, which are then connected to a pump that sucks the milk right out of you and deposits it into sterilized plastic bottles? Ever seen a Jersey cow hooked-up to a mechanical milker? Same thing, but with a bathrobe.

(My husband once took a picture of me pumping. I looked like something out of the Dairy Show at the State Fair of Texas. That was funny. But I made him delete it.)

With pumping comes logistics. For example, when pumping in the dirty Family Restroom at the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport, do you sit on the toilet while you pump? If so, do you keep your pants on? And how, exactly, do you demonstrate your breast pump for the guards at the security check? Once on the plane, do you trigger a security alert when you head to the restroom with a large, heavy black bag and don't come out for twenty minutes? Well, at least there's a lid on that toilet.

Office politics are nothing compared with office pumping and storage of breast milk. Carrying two plastic bottles filled with your own milk down the hall is certain to draw attention. Do you answer honestly when people ask, "What's THAT?" Is it weird to store your freshly expressed milk next to your colleagues' Lean Cuisines in the break room fridge? What if they accidentally use it for their coffee - should you notify Whole Foods?

If breastfeeding makes Barbara Walters shudder and Bill Maher fume, imagine what they'd do if we moms whipped out our pumps and collectively went to work? Now THAT would be worthy of a stint on Comedy Central - not the pumping, but the expressions on their faces.

Ah...breast milk. It's hormones and hilarity wrapped in a pretty package. It's love in a glass. Nourishment mixed with naughtiness (for the Walter/Maher camp, at least). Always fresh, warm and ready to serve from the nicest, cleanest bar you've ever seen.

And that's what makes it so funny.

If you breastfeed, or would like to find out more about breastfeeding, we encourage you to attend the Healthy Mothers Healthy Babies World Breastfeeding Celebration on August 7 from 11 a.m.-1 p.m. at Austin City Hall, 301 W. 2nd St. Parent:Wise is a proud sponsor of this event!