Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It's something you do. It's the way you love your partner every day.
That’s how relationship and personal growth expert Dr. Barbara De Angelis describes marriage: a union that must be nurtured through constant tending.
Easier said than done…especially if you’re a parent.
For many of us, finding that special someone began so innocently — easy-breezy laughter and silliness, long talks and longer walks, holding hands and candlelit dinners. Love comes easily and follows a natural progression in our daydreams: a fabulous wedding, an enviable marriage, perfect children, and growing old together rocking on the porch. But for so many in this country, those picket fence images all too often fade into divorce. The estimate for first marriages ending in divorce currently sits between 40% and 50%. Divorce happens for myriad reasons, but for a lot of couples the unexpected stress of having children is a big one.
There’s no question that children change your life. Those long-awaited bundles of joy come home with mountains of unglamorous responsibility, which turns up the pressure on mom and dad and tests their ability to maintain a healthy family unit. Once simply husband and wife, a couple finds themselves thrust into a new role, and that role is not always played out the way they imagined.
SANDY’S STORY
For Austin-area mom, Sandy*, that’s exactly what happened. What began as a picture-perfect marriage that led to three beloved children in the end turned into a union of two spouses who stopped communicating, drifted apart, and ultimately divorced after 15 years of marriage. Sandy thinks a lot of it came about because of the added pressure of raising children.
“I think at the beginning it’s all new, and it’s all exciting,” she says. “There’s a lot to explore with the children. But after a while you realize the things that people don’t tell you, or they can’t tell you: It’s a lot of work, and somebody’s got to do that work.”
For Sandy, the changes happened so gradually they were almost unnoticeable. She and her husband were so focused on the children that they forgot about cultivating their relationship. Even when they had the opportunity to be alone, to have quiet time or a private conversation, they didn’t. With the addition of the second and third children, life just got harder.
“All of a sudden when you have two, you realize, ‘I can’t be in two places at once,’: she says. “Even going from two to three, now you’re playing zone defense.”
She might make light of it, but the bottom line was that, while she and her husband were busy raising their kids, they had stopped paying attention to each other.
“I think it’s insidious,” she says. “You assume he’s happy. [But] you have to actually go, ‘Hey, are we still meeting each other’s needs?’ And I think at some point you stop asking.”
And that’s not uncommon. Dr. Doreen Landrum, director of Austin Psychiatric Consultants, says one of the major problems couples encounter when adding children to the family is that they stop responding to each other as husband and wife.
“It’s unintentional. You’re tired, you’re besotted [with your baby], you’re scared. There’s this huge role shift,” she explains. Suddenly your entire focus is on being a parent. But you have to remember that your spouse needs you, too. “I think that being aware of retaining that part of your relationship is really important,” she says, “and often goes by the wayside.”
RENEGOTIATING THE RELATIONSHIP
Writer Ashley Merryman cites a study by sociologist Andrew Cherlin in which divorce rates were found to decrease in families with children, but only until the kids reached a certain age. Once the children got older, divorce rates started to go up. Why? Experts hypothesize that some parents stay together for the sake of the kids — basically, until the parents think the kids are old enough to handle divorce. Or perhaps the financial and emotional stressors of parenting an older child are enough to break the bonds of marriage. Whatever the reasons, the study is backed up by the website professorshouse.com, which claims that each child adds to the risk of divorce by 37 percent. Those statistics are undoubtedly alarming. So what can you do?
First and foremost, step back and take a hard look at the relationship and your roles as parents. Dr. Landrum says your relationship may take some renegotiating. “It’s hard because, for one thing, people don’t necessarily know that they are needing to renegotiate.” Perhaps you decided that Mom would stay home with the baby, she says. Maybe that doesn’t work. Don’t be afraid to reevaluate the situation and change it. Find a better solution.
To make it even more difficult, what’s required to rebalance one relationship is different from the next. That’s partly because we all have expectations when we enter into parenthood, expectations that largely come from our own childhoods. What does a mother’s role look like? Does she stay home with the kids? Does she cook dinner every night? How is the work divided in the household? Who bathes the kids, who shops for groceries, who does the laundry, who helps with the homework? Does Dad change diapers and play dolls with his daughters? All of these issues need to be addressed.
“You’re now going to be a mother and you’re going to be a father. And there’s a lot of baggage that comes with those roles,” says Dr. Landrum. “All of a sudden you’re a mother, and you start thinking about your relationship with your own mother. Your mother-in-law is the grandmother of your child. All of the relationships that you have change when you have a baby.”
But change is not necessarily a bad thing. And clearly couples everywhere have found ways to renegotiate their marriages, many without even realizing it. This reality is played out by an extensive research study spanning more than 20 years conducted by Dr. Ted Huston of the University of Texas at Austin. Called the PAIR Project, it investigated, among other things, the transition couples face when they become parents. The study concluded that parenthood does not necessarily lead to dissatisfaction in a marriage. The Project compared couples who became parents with those who didn’t, and found the levels of marital satisfaction declined in both groups to the same extent over the first few years of marriage. The Project’s conclusion? “Parenthood brings about a big change in the lives of new parents, but, on balance, these changes are as likely to be welcomed as not. Contrary to conventional social science wisdom, couples who become parents do not become less affectionate with or more antagonistic toward one another.”
KEEPING YOUR RELATIONSHIP STRONG
That being said, the fact remains that being satisfied with your marriage doesn’t necessarily equate to being able to cope with the pressures of parenthood. Couples do sometimes drift apart as their roles become redefined with the addition of children. But there are some very effective strategies couples can employ to keep their relationships from heading down the wrong path.
Support Each Other
Don’t focus on who has it harder. Parenthood is not a competition. Accept that whether it’s a full-time corporate job or full-time stay-at-home parenting, it’s all hard. It’s more important to concentrate on being a team and sharing the parenting responsibilities. This is especially true if both parents have careers and one spouse has a tendency to take on the “second shift” after work.
Gain Some Perspective
Try to see the issue from the other person’s point of view. While a stay-at-home mom might feel resentful that her husband goes to work every day, he may be feeling guilty for leaving her alone and stressed over the increased financial pressure of having more mouths to feed.
Name Your Problems
Whatever worries and anxieties you had in your marriage are going to affect how you respond to your spouse after you have children. Whether it’s a difference in parenting styles or issues with your mother-in-law, examine what it is that’s so upsetting, and you will be better equipped to work out those problems with your partner.
Accept Your Differences
Everyone parents with their own unique style. And children unquestionably benefit from having one-on-one time with each parent. Regardless of how Dad makes a sandwich or how Mom builds a blanket fort, as Dr. Landrum points out, “If the diaper bag’s packed differently, it will probably still be OK.”
Maintain Good Will
Maintain fundamental good will toward each other. Do you support your spouse? Do you speak highly of your spouse to friends? Do you offer a hug at the end of a long day? Most important, do you really love your spouse, and do you want what’s best for your partner? Dr. Charlotte Howard of Austin’s Deep Eddy Psychotherapy says these are the fundamental questions to ask. “Over time, good will can get eroded if you’ve kind of evilized [your spouse], and it starts to feel like they’re your enemy.” But she adds that there’s a lot of hope for mending a relationship if the couples still have good will for one another.
Make Time For Each Other
Spend time connecting on a personal level, not talking about the kids. And don’t feel guilty about it. “I think the common wisdom about what’s best for the kids is that the parents focus on their relationship before the child,” says Dr. Howard. “Ultimately that’s going to be in the child’s best interest in addition to being in the best interest of the parents.”
Accept Change
Relationships evolve. Children grow. People get older. Change is inevitable. Find a way to embrace the changes and your life will be easier. Maybe you can’t go to the symphony like you once did. But when you have a child, you realize that the 3rd grade holiday concert can be equally rewarding.
Leave Past Problems Where They Belong
Life is a journey and rehashing past problems takes you back to a time that you don’t want to revisit. If you have a bone to pick with your spouse, argue about the issue at hand. Don’t dredge up topics from fights won and lost long ago. And keep it to yourselves; don’t fight in front of the children.
Encourage Your Children’s Independence
Life with little kids can be stressful enough. Recognize when they have become old enough to gain some independence. Teach a 7-year-old how to fix his own breakfast, how to hang up his clothes, how to tie his own shoelaces. As children grow, your life as a parent should get a little easier. Take advantage of that and the decreased strain it puts on the whole household.
THE SILVER LINING
Clearly, having children does not inevitably destroy a marriage. In fact, according to the website divorcerate.org, many sociologists believe that childlessness is a common cause of divorce, resulting in as many as 66 percent of divorces per year. That can only mean that children have the potential to make a couple stronger if they know how to avoid the pitfalls that might be in their path.
“I think that there’s incredible potential for solidifying, stabilizing and deepening the relationship if people know how to open their hearts, to contain the change and to grow into it,” Dr. Howard says.
Unfortunately, that’s not what happened to Sandy and her marriage. Her children live with her, but they visit her ex-husband every other weekend. And that, she says, has made her much more appreciative of her former life.
“I took for granted all the things I had,” she says. “So my perception prior to the divorce was, ‘What a chore. I’ve got to take care of everything for these kids. I’m doing all the work, and he’s not helping out.’ Now I realize what a privilege it is.”
Children are a privilege. And so is marriage. Now that she’s had some time to look back on the years leading up to her divorce, Sandy can see what went wrong. Too much focus on the children; not enough on her marriage.
“It’s just like the airline thing,” she says. “You have to put your mask on yourself first before you adjust your children’s mask, and that includes your relationship with your husband.”
*We have withheld Sandy’s last name at her request to protect her privacy.
Karen Grinstead is a freelance writer whose work has appeared in Parent:Wise, The Charlotte Observer, Parent Teacher Magazine, Properties Magazine, and local NBC-affiliated television newscasts across the country. She and her family live in Leander.
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