You First

Hanging out of helicopters, wading into rushing floodwaters, walking a grid pattern in the desert heat – my husband participated in all these adventures as a rescuer. Yet, the most profound wisdom I absorbed from his experiences initially sounded selfish and wrong.

            “You may think, as rescuers, that the victim is your first concern. You would be wrong. Taking care of yourself is your priority. If anything happens to you during this rescue, we have two victims,” his instructor lectured.

I have applied this logic repeatedly as a mom, and my family has benefitted from my doing so. While nurturers are prone to think of themselves only after the needs of those in their care have been met, the personal toll that can take often defeats their selfless intentions. Exhaustion muddles the mind and bankrupts the body. Depleting ourselves does not serve our families well.

            I found that exercising this principle created some unexpected and cherished bonding. Even after our first child disrupted other less sacred routines, I continued to enjoy a nightly bubble bath. My husband retired quite early each night because of his work hours, and he would read awhile before drifting off to sleep. It was during this time that I would take our little charmer and lay her on his chest. Then, I would retreat to the tub of frothy, hot water that promised both to relax and to revitalize me. 

            During my reprieve from responsibility, the two of them created a tradition my husband referred to as “Putt-Putt Time.” Our daughter would begin a serenade of flatulence and my husband’s laughter provided harmony. While his laughing would impose itself upon my solitude, I was blissfully removed from her performance.  Upon retrieving my bundle of joy from her father’s arms, I would be updated on their camaraderie, and immediately discharged to resume my now pressing motherly responsibilities.

            This begetting of a Daddy’s Girl profoundly illustrates that one of the benefits of your time alone is their time on their own. As your family relies on themselves and on other family members, this mutual reliance strengthens the whole. Also, you are more appreciated if not always available.  It is important to recognize that it is possible to be unavailable without being neglectful.

            Taking time for yourself provides the opportunity for you to appreciate yourself, too. It is easy to get lost in the role of wife, mother, domestic engineer. However, pursuing personal interests and achieving personal goals keeps you grounded as an individual. This is not a selfish endeavor. Replenishing yourself physically through exercise or sport, mentally through academics or books, socially through time with friends – these endeavors contribute vicariously and positively to the well-being of your entire family.

            While perhaps the most significant gift you can give your family is being there for them, judiciously putting yourself first allows you to be fully there for them — at those times when they need to be “rescued.”