If you want to be intimate with your spouse...

by Julie Chen Allen

If you want to be intimate with your spouse …

You’ll have to put the kids to bed early.

If you put the kids to bed early, you’ll probably have to keep your clothes on, because the kids will want some water or milk or a snack.

If you give them anything at all to eat, they will have to brush their teeth again.

If you make them brush their teeth again, they will want to go to the potty.

While they are fiddling around in the bathroom, you will probably want to watch some TV while you wait.

And if the kids hear the TV, they will barge into your room to find out if you’re watching Go Diego Go.

You will have to walk them back to bed and tuck them back in, and bribe them with Diego in the morning.

When the kids are finally tucked in, being under the covers will remind them that they want you to turn down the thermostat because they like it cold.

When you finally get back to the bedroom, you will find yourself trying to remembering when the last time you and your spouse were able to be intimate with each other. You both agree it’s been too long.

As you finally relax and rekindle the romance, you will hear suddenly loud shrieks from the toddler because – in your haste to get to the hanky-panky – you forgot to “spray” away the monsters in the closet.

Or because they just want you "just because."

Or because they just had bad dreams.

So you run again into the bedroom to console the tot, wiping away big teardrops and holding him in your arms.

Holding him in your arms reminds you how much you missed him today while you were at work.

Thinking about how much you miss your kids will keep you holding them longer.

And if you end up cuddling with the kids in their bed, you’ll probably doze off because you were so tired from work, errands, making dinner, doing the dishes, and preparing lunches for the next day.

And if you doze off, you will probably not wake up until late into the night.

Because you suddenly remember that you and your spouse were trying to have a night of intimacy, you rush back to your bedroom – only to find your spouse asleep, too.

And if your spouse is asleep, then you will resolve to try to put the kids to bed early again the next night.

And chances are, if you put the kids to bed early, you will have to keep your clothes on.