If parenting were as easy as advising my client...

by Julie Chen Allen

If parenting were as easy as advising my clients, I'd begin with a letter like this:

Dear Child of Ours,

As you may be aware, we represent your best interests in the lovely State of Texas until you turn 18 years old or graduate from high school. We regret to inform you that our relationship is governed by precedent heavily in our favor as parents. Therefore, all requests for privileges must be pre-approved and stamped with our official seal of approval. You may not leave the city limits without consent of all legal guardians.

Unlike the 9th Circuit parents, we 5th Circuit parents are unwilling to grant the same liberties. You have the right to move for a change in venue but it is highly unlikely we will find that your interests have been prejudiced. Moreover, our disciplinary measures have been upheld as constitutional in light of your allegations of cruel or unusual punishment.

Before litigating, you are required to arbitrate in accordance with the laws of this household. As we have been appointed for life, we are not subject to a system of checks and balances or to any impeachment process. Any intentional insubordination is punishable by a lengthy sentence to your room without privileges.

You may petition any grandparental unit for redress but only through peaceful assembly within the boundaries of your residence. Written notice of intent must be received via certified mail no later than 180 business days before date of protest. Please consult the Local Rules for details on formatting your request. E-mail and hand-delivered notices will not be accepted.

Despite the appearance of procedural unfairness, your perception is not widely accepted by the majority rule in this jurisdiction.

Since our relationship may not be severed under any circumstances prior to your age of majority, no further actions are necessary at this time. We look forward to guiding you through life with unconditional love and endless patience. Should you have any further questions regarding this matter, you have our cell phone numbers written into the back of your underwear.

Love,
Mom and Dad