by Julie Chen Allen
I am guilty of being a selective listener at times. My husband might add that’s a lot more times than he can stand. He says sometimes I listen like a man – which I think is a compliment of sorts since, as an attorney, I work mostly amongst men. (Must mean I am fitting in at work.) But, for an attorney who is constantly listening to the needs of my clients, I could not believe I was on trial at home for being a poor listener myself. Selfishly I rushed to my own defense.
Like the one in Steve Biddulph’s book, Raising Boys, where “selective hearing” was explained by the slower development of auditory canals in boys in contrast with those in girls. This physical process, thus, literally obstructs a boy’s ability to hear very well. I find that theory especially persuasive during bedtimes. When my kids can’t hear me (“It’s bedtime!”) I prefer to think they were just busy, er, developing. I actually think it is a lifelong kind of developmental process. When I “listen like a man,” my ear canals must be aging and changing – like sagging boobs.
Or, I like the anthropological defense theorizing that men tend to single-task while women tend to multi-task. This was the one suggesting men focus on listening as a single task because of their “hunter” pasts and women as former “gatherers” might listen as they are cooking, cleaning, scheduling, paying the bills, and so on. This is also the theory used to explain the strength of male “tunnel-vision” and female “peripheral vision.” During football season, this theory is pretty bullet-proof at our house. For me, it’s a rather compelling theory during my long-awaited me-time bath times. Is someone looking for clean socks or the Legos box? I didn’t hear anything.
Or, my all-time favorite is the one by Dr. Joseph T. Lurito of Indiana University School of Medicine, who suggested that men listen with their left brain whereas women listen with both sides of the brain. Some argue it’s because men are better listeners and only need part of their brain. Some argue it’s because men don’t really listen as thoroughly or with full consideration of what they are hearing that might require the use of both sides of the brain. You can guess who argued which side. Either which way, it explains when men say “Don’t read more into what I say,” they really actually mean that.
That must be why when after I come home from a long and tiring day at the office, and only one part of the brain is working, I don’t hear things like, “Mommy, I need you to wipe my bottom!” or “Honey, have you seen my wallet?” or “Mommy, brother is hitting me!” “No, I didn’t!” “Yes, you did!”
At times like these I feel like I am listening like a man, so there are no defenses, and I willingly admit guilt. No plea bargain necessary. I tell my husband that I’ll work on it and begin to listen more like a woman.
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