I May Be an Overachieving Maniac

It has dawned on me that I may be an over-achieving mom – over-parenting mom – or some such thing. Whatever you would call a person who finds a flaw and tries to fix it, only to be faced with the reality later that perhaps the flaw isn’t so bad at all and maybe the person is just a freak instead. Hi, that’s me. Case in point: the Summer Math Tutor. I made the kids go to the math tutor twice a week throughout the summer.

This news was met by the two kids with bitterness and jeering. They argued but quickly gave-in, as they figured out a long time ago that once I’ve “written the check,” I’ve made up my mind and that’s it. They tried to appeal to Daddy, who was on their side, but also understood where I was coming from (in a completely Husband /Daddy keep-your-head –low-and-stay-out-of-it sort of way.)

The oldest took it the hardest – and this is where the seeds of self-doubt were sewn (she consistently does that to me), both in my own wisdom of doing the tutoring, but also I could see a self-doubt forming of her own. “Aren’t you happy about my grades? Is that why I have to go to tutoring?” The saddest puppy-dog eyes shone up and me and… OOOH – OUCH! I got it…

Okay – no – yes – my kids are really smart. Like any parent, I want the best for them. But how do I explain to them that a good grade in the current public school system is only just average to MY standards? And is it really just as political as all that?

Nah… makes me sound good though…

Here’s what it is: both my kids are so smart, and yet still count on their fingers to figure the simplest calculations. I feel they should KNOW these simple, 1-12 figures. And they don’t yet, and so that is why the tutor. It’s as simple as them being behind MY schedule on that particular brain function.

But really, here’s what it is: my folks are very laid back, and while expressing their expectations of me, never pushed me to do beyond “just average” for myself. I coasted through high school, got a fair scholarship, and then was smacked hard in the head my first year of college. It was hard, and I was out-of-shape when it came to studying. It took me four years to learn how to do it, and I finally got high marks my last year of college. I love my parents, but I wish they would have told me that average was just not good enough. Perhaps then I wouldn’t go through periodic trances of self-loathing and doubt at all my wasted potential, only to pick myself up, brush off, and make sure my kids are smarter than myself.

Yes – so it really is as simple as all that. Perhaps if the kids (and husband) could tap into my psyche, they could please me all of the time. *Yeah, as if – I’d surely find something else to bitch about.

So there I sat outside the tutor, waiting another hour on my kids’ development. After the first hour he spent with the kids, the tutor seemed perplexed at why they were there. Once I explained it, he smiled wryly, nodded, and waved good-bye to the kids – all the while giving me the “You are a lunatic, Lady” vibe, which of course, I resented.

The next visit, I noticed all the achievement notices decorating the wall of the lobby area:

“Hailey got an A in chemistry this six weeks!”

“Jimmy made a 94 on his spelling test!”

“ Alice was commended on her math TAKS!”

Super, but what’s so special about all that? These are the sort of grades I EXPECT my kids to bring home. Then I read a few more:

“Hooray! Alex scored an 82 on his science test!”

“We knew she could do it! Sara made an 86 on her Math Quiz!”

“AWESOME! Henry passed History!”

And then it hit me. What a BRAT I am! Jeez, cry me a friggin’ river because my kids occasionally use their fingers to do math! My kids may not be able to spout off 5+7 at top speed, but the can tell a meat-eating dino from a veg-eating one and why the temperature outside the space station can vary by 1000s of degrees, just by checking the teeth of the dino and asking if I mean the sunny or shady side of the station. Heck, they even know why the tops of clouds are bright and the bottoms are dark – something I never knew until they told me.

I didn’t teach them these things. They are naturally curious and crave learning, and I am blessed that they are able to learn with ease.

I am a horrible person for not considering the mom who is just trying to get her son through 4th grade – step by step. It’s not pity I feel but all the support and love and I wish I could do more to ease her burden. Hang in there, sistah – and don’t stop fighting for/with your kid – your strength will become his one day.

As for myself, with the self-loathing setting in, I vowed to stop being such a maniac. My kids are fine, academically. I need to continue to support them, but I also need to help more at school with kids who maybe need extra… I am going to volunteer more hours at the school, and heck, I’ve even signed up to serve on the PTA!

Oh, and we did finish out the summer tutoring – but only because I pre-paid!

Now, if my kids could just be more (and by this I mean “somewhat,” “any little tiny bit”) athletic!!!

—Nisa Sharma, Art Director