Humor

Abstract: Since the beginning of human breeding, there has been a constant conflict between progenitor and their offspring concerning the offspring's inability to detect the inappropr

by Julie Chen Allen

If you want to be intimate with your spouse …

You’ll have to put the kids to bed early.

By Julie Chen Allen

I’m a newcomer to summer camp registration. Some of the veteran moms tried to warn me, but I did not listen. Now I am uncovering the painstaking problems to procrastinating on camp enrollment. Apparently, there seems to be a secret code to securing the perfect summer camp schedule. It involves some combination of mental torture, Zen meditation, sheer luck, and mathematical genius.

If the week-long art camp is full, and the two-week-long nature camp has five people on the waitlist, should we wait or sign up for acting camp costing twice as much? Or if the science camp is held in July but not in August, and the soccer camp is only four days in June, when do we want to squeeze in a trip to Sea World? Oy. It feels like a standardized test.

Maybe I could try sheer annoyance.

Me:

by Julie Chen Allen

I’ve always wondered…

by Julie Chen Allen

While I was digging for my wallet the other day, the cashier commented to me: “That’s a big ol’ purse you have there!”

• More research that drinking coffee is good for my health.
• Naps. Any time, any place.
• Not letting toddler out of the house again with two left shoes.

by Julie Chen Allen

So I have this idea… Some might call it attention deficit, but I call it maximizing time. Or rather, as I’d really like to call it, squeezing more into my life.

For instance, rather than joining a book club, I plan to host a magazine club instead. My magazine club meetings would take place during a 30-minute lunch break or coffee break. If you don’t work with me, I guess you can’t join.

by Julie Chen Allen

I admit, when I encounter a parenting dilemma, I often don’t call my mom. I don’t run to the library or reach for my dusty child development books. I don’t pull up my DVR-ed episodes of Nanny 911, or even call the pediatrician. And sometimes, I don’t even turn to my spouse.

When I am truly at a loss for parenting solutions, I turn to the Google search engine. Welcome to my parenting style: Google-parenting.

These days, I’ll just type in any combination of my feelings…my kids hate me!…and

by Julie Chen Allen

In keeping with the theme of getting more time out of the day, here are a few ideas not guaranteed to work very well - or at all:

I’m too old to use a telephone.

This occurred to me over the weekend, when I purchased one of those newfangled touch-screen phones that do everything but wash your dishes. Although they may do that, too — but I’ll never know because I can’t figure the thing out.

My husband went with me to get the phone. This wasn’t because I was incapable of choosing a phone —I had already picked out the model— but rather because I lapse into a drooling trance when I have to listen to someone wax poetic about technology. For me, technology is a tool, not an orgasmic experience. My husband, on the other hand, embraces the witty repartee of the techno geek, so he tagged along to play good cop to my admittedly bad one. Or, as it turned out, to watch the kids while I was wooed.