Humor

by Julie Chen Allen

In an effort to move our kids to a better school zone, I’ve been trying to pinch more pennies for a new home. I guess I should have included my dear husband in the planning phase of this endeavor, but why take way the element of surprise in our relationship?

It first started with the thermostat battle. My hubby swears I set it on “hell”-degrees, but I swore I was freezing and promised it was only a couple of degrees higher. He wanted it on 78 and I pushed it up to 80. We compromised and settled on 79. A few weeks later, I raised it up to 81 and he wanted it on 79. We compromised and settled on 80. Those two little degrees saves me nearly $10 a month. Oh, my hunny bunny will sweat a little, but he’ll thank me a lot later.

No, I’m not talking about my kids. I’m talking about all the little friends they bring home. You heard me: all their little infectious, contagious, communicable…friends. I’m talking about their germs.

Riding on my kids’ shirt sleeves, hiding underneath fingernails, and holding on to little nose hairs, those dirty little twirps sneak into my house and cause the most despicable havoc.

One of the hardest things to break is a long running habit.
Yesterday I went cold turkey on something that I have been doing for … um … well hold on let me get out my calculator. [tap-tap-tap] for 15 years. Yikes, I actually didn't realize that I had been doing it for that long. For the last 15 years I have been making monthly (or near monthly) payments to my student loans.

The first step of getting better is always admitting the "problem". I realized the other day that I am a "fixitaholoc". That is I hate broken things and when I see something broken I have an overwhelming urge to fixit.

My issue with fixing things probably started back when I was a kid. My father was also a fixer and was loathe to throw anything away. He would dive into a washing machine and replace the drum skids milk caps. He would use milk caps instead of buying the actual part because he didn't want to spend the extra $20 for the actual drum skid pads. I think he was motivated by the fact that he didn't grow up with much and wanted to make sure that our family had enough money to cover the family costs (food, housing, retirement and college for four kids). Something that I am very grateful for.

As you probably can tell, we have been watching a lot of movies over the winter break. Watching movies is my connection with popular culture ... something that I have a difficult time maintaining a relationship with (really, it's not you it's me). In the past my wife was the one that kept me reasonably plugged in ... so I could at least hold up a conversation when I went out to dinner with friends and colleagues. But in all honesty she is only orbiting this domain--but she is at least within the same solar system ... I'm like that dot in the image of the galaxy saying "you are here" and I am on the outer ring.

Tonight I had that moment ... a moment where I saw something new in something that I have seen many times. This time it was in one of my all time favorite movies A Christmas Story. My family patronized me again this year and sat down and watched the movie with me again for the ... well I cannot remember how many times that I have seen it. Thank you family!

by Julie Chen Allen

Abstract: Since the beginning of human breeding, there has been a constant conflict between progenitor and their offspring concerning the offspring's inability to detect the inappropr

by Julie Chen Allen

If you want to be intimate with your spouse …

You’ll have to put the kids to bed early.

By Julie Chen Allen

I’m a newcomer to summer camp registration. Some of the veteran moms tried to warn me, but I did not listen. Now I am uncovering the painstaking problems to procrastinating on camp enrollment. Apparently, there seems to be a secret code to securing the perfect summer camp schedule. It involves some combination of mental torture, Zen meditation, sheer luck, and mathematical genius.

If the week-long art camp is full, and the two-week-long nature camp has five people on the waitlist, should we wait or sign up for acting camp costing twice as much? Or if the science camp is held in July but not in August, and the soccer camp is only four days in June, when do we want to squeeze in a trip to Sea World? Oy. It feels like a standardized test.

Maybe I could try sheer annoyance.

Me: