Toddler

When I was pregnant with my daughter a decade ago, I had my heart set on a ridiculously expensive designer crib. I’m usually a frugal person, but this crib spoke to me.

So. A triathlon. Otherwise known as “the day I almost went gently into the light while wearing a bike helmet and a discount sports bra.” It was no bueno, people. No bueno at all.

“I've had a baby!" my mother exclaimed happily, following the judge's adoption pronouncement on Friday, February 6, 2009 that formally made me her daughter.

Often, as a young man, I would spend hours arguing with my friends over creationism versus evolution. This is because I had a deep understanding of nature and science, and a thirst to share that knowledge. Or possibly because I didn’t have a girlfriend.

If only I had known that instead of spending all those hours reading and studying to form an argument I could have just had a child.

Having now spent countless hours in exhaustive research (by which I mean the ten minutes immediately preceding the writing of this article, once Jeopardy was over) I have discovered that there is no way that the human race could have possibly survived the natural selection process.

Aladdin: July 10-Aug. 5. The Scottish Rite Children’s Theatre presents this classic tale suitable for kids ages 3-to-10.